You’re an American. Let all those foreigners know it. To make sure you are absolutely, positively identified as a tourist, observe these rules:

* Speak up. Waiters and the people at the next table appreciate knowing your preferences and every other detail of your life. Express dismay that someone doesn’t understand English; they’re just stuck-up.

* Hoist a backpack at all times, wherever you go - museums, restaurants, churches, theaters - preferably with mesh pockets revealing that your travels are planned and directed by Rick Steves and Fodor.

* Carry a water bottle everywhere, as if traversing the Gobi and not the Piazza San Marco. You never know when you might need hydrating between cafés, which are often a block or two apart.

* Wear shorts. On the rue de Rivoli, as if walking at water’s edge on the Redneck Riviera. Better still, get a pair of those pants that zip off, just in case you need to get cool while checking out the Mona Lisa. Alternatively, knee-length cargo shorts are an option, especially if the side pockets look to be full of dead fish and wet sand.

* Buy a beret. No one in Paris wears them, so you’ll make a clear statement. Ditto, that souvenir Bandito sombrero you picked up in Madrid. Or, have one of those Tilly Endurable hats, the kind with the floppy brims. You’re the smoothest guy in Evanston and you can look like a doofus if you want. What’s more, you can pretend that only you and a very few muggers know about the secret money pocket in the hat.

* Don’t read anything about your destination before leaving. Be surprised.

* Foreign languages are hard. Don’t bother learning words for “hello” or “please” - you’ll only forget them as soon as you get home.

* In shops, always ask how much that is in real money.

* Be certain to wear clothing with English words and symbols all over them. “Red Sox World Series 2007″ is good, since foreigners know about baseball like you know about cricket. “Muff Diver Deluxe” is a little more direct.

* Take every opportunity to discuss politics, especially if you thought invading Iraq was a good idea.

* When in Spain, where the customary dinner hour is around 10:00, whine endlessly about how you’re starving. (Ignore all those tapas bars and table-service restaurants called cafeterías that are open continuously from early morning to late evening.)

* After your honeymoon in Hawaii, be sure to tell everyone you’re “going back to The States.” That’s always endearing to the locals.

* And a word to British visitors to The States: Never leave a tip for the bartender. You don’t do it at home, do you? And for the French: Be astonished when you ask for martini and get vodka.